"You Look Amazing"

Trigger Warning: In this post I discuss the details of what my eating disorder has looked like in the past. If you have struggled or are currently struggling with an ED or disordered eating, I would proceed with caution and, as always, would encourage you to seek help from trusted loved ones and a licensed professional.

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“Oh my gosh, you look amazing now! How did you do it?”

This was the response I got when I returned for my senior year of college.

Desire. Admiration. Attention. Everything I thought I wanted and had hoped for.

In many respects, I felt visible for the first time in my life.

Looking back, there was another part of me - a much larger and authentic part of me - that wanted to stop them mid sentence and scream.

What exactly did that mean?? It was still me wasn’t it? I had the same green eyes, freckles, and wavy blonde hair. I had the same snort laugh, intellect, and wonderfully awkward personality.

Ahh but I was smaller. That’s it, right? Now that I was “skinny” I was deemed worthy in the eyes of the people who never stopped to notice what truly makes me beautiful.

Despite the fact that these folks probably had the best of intentions, I would be lying if I said I have moved past the anger I feel towards the people who celebrated my sickness. I resent the fact that they fueled that voice in my head telling me to keep going…

The bones in your chest are showing? Keep going.

You are hungry for dinner? Take a sleep aid and go to bed.

You want to go out in that crop top? Skip the lunch with friends.

Numb out, numb out, numb out. You won’t ever be hurt or disappointed that way.

And on and on it went. The vicious cycle continued until I had no choice but to face my fear of vulnerability, let my idealized version of control go by the wayside, and seek help.

You want to know the saddest part? I have been the one to complement a shrinking body, to perpetuate bad habits, and celebrate sickness without even realizing.

All I can say from the bottom of my heart is I am so deeply sorry to those I have hurt and thank you to the people who have always seen ME, not just my body.

So to those people who, in the words of Selena Gomez, sing off key in our chorus, let's have the courage and empathy to say thank you. Without them, it is much more difficult to take a good hard look at our inner circle or define what qualities we truly value.

If there is anything I want readers to take away from this post, whether they struggle with an ED or not, it is that we should never reduce a person to their physical appearance when there is so much more to their story than mere looks.

Generally speaking, and realizing that there are exceptions to every rule, commenting on weight or body fluctuations is so deeply inappropriate. We never know what is going on between a person’s ears, and just one comment has the potential to perpetuate a life threatening mental illness.

Okay, okay - so what do we praise people for?

Well for starters:

Humor

Kindness

Compassion

Empathy

Work ethic

Dance moves

Creativity

Passion

And so on and so forth….

Can we still recognize physical beauty? Absolutely!! I LOVE gushing over my friends when they have a fire outfit, fresh haircut, or are just looking cute in their sweats with zero makeup. Let’s just resist the temptation to equate worthiness with a specific body type or size.

What characteristics do we embody? Now THAT is where the real beauty radiates.