Honesty

It's been a while hasn't it?

As I have previously mentioned, I never force a post. I wait until a thought becomes so loud or prevalent that I have no option but to get them on the page. It just so happens it has been a few months, but I'm ready to dive back in and over share as per usual.

I have been sitting on this topic for a while, mainly because I wanted to get it right. It is a subject that we learn in pre-K, but it is something that we can resist into adulthood: Honesty.

The truth, in many respects, is the crux of all meaningful relationships - particularly with ourselves.

All we really have at the end of the day is our word, and the more we can wholeheartedly back up what we have to say with honesty, the more others can rest easy knowing they are in good hands.

Although we all lie from time to time (if you don't, kudos), perhaps we are less conscious of the fact that we also lie to ourselves. The question is, why? Nobody can hear what we are thinking anyway.

I theorize that many of us are telling ourselves that an addiction or disordered eating isn't that bad, our toxic relationship is healthy, or we will always be just as close with our childhood friends. We are self preserving. I may try to be as honest as possible with other people in my life, but it has always been a challenge to admit fear and weakness in the face of adversity.

Choosing what feels safe and comfortable, whether that means saying no to a social engagement to "rest" when social anxiety is taking the wheel or opting out of a dinner when it's been a bad body image day, is just allowing fear win. Being honest with one's self requires a willingness to explore beneath the surface and not confuse our coping mechanisms with self care.

Decifering where our behavior is coming from requires us to translate our inner dialogue. This can lead us down a rabbit hole of confusion, or we can reduce how we feel down to one question that throws our internal critic under the bus. How is this/would this make me feel on my best day?

Speaking from personal experience, I practice this exercise when I feel like my honest self is not speaking up at the table, allowing a scared and judgemental voice to take charge.

Something that feels intimating in the moment can mean a lot of things. Maybe we are afraid that when someone really gets to know us that they won't like what they see. Maybe it feels safer to only go to crowded events where each interaction is 10 minutes and we can Irish exit if something comes out the wrong way or we feel awkward.

This is where I try to stop this dialogue in it's tracks. On my best day, how would it feel to form a new connection with someone? How would it feel to form a memory rather than jump ship "before things go wrong."

You may be wondering, what if things do go wrong? Some things just aren't worth the heartache or embarrassment.

So what.

Speaking as someone who has lied to themselves over and over again that I like watching life from the the sidelines, I am telling you that playing the game and entertaining a more truthful side of myself has invigorated a sense of confidence that is hard to shake when things don't pan out.

Disappointment is inevitable, but lying to ourselves on a daily basis to protect against the hardships of life is a numb exisitance.

They teach us in pre-K to be honest with others, but it's time for adulthood to teach us to be honest with ourself.