Put Goldilocks Back in the Game

Hi All,

Much like every twenty-something girl right now, I am watching Tell Me Lies on Hulu (which is so addicting it feels borderline unhealthy). There is a scene between Lucy, the protagonist, and her college roommate Macy. Lucy is describing how she has had trouble feeling things since high school and often comes across as cold. Macy draws a connection by saying she sometimes feels outside of her body watching other people experience things.

Although this is an extreme example, this autopilot existence is all too relatable.

Life can fall into the rut of not being too high, but not too low. It's a Goldilocks state of existence that sucks us in with its flat, comfortable pace and spits us out as a shell of ourselves.

Maybe we have just gone through the emotional wringer one too many times and just want a break from feeling. Maybe we were never able to feel things to begin with. Either way, there are many ways to feel numb in a crowded room.

When we start to live as a projection screen, it inhibits us from turning inward. Just as our best relationships tend to mirror our values, purpose, and force us to decifer what kind of person we want to be, sometimes we are simply a blank wall for others’ projections or the latest social media trend , losing a hold on our own preferences with each exchange.

It can be so hard to stand our ground, speak up when something doesn't align with us, or tap into our creativity when the outside projecting a long list of "shoulds", societal timelines, and superficial milestones.

Also, I can't help but think about what Macy would say if Tell Me Lies was based in the era of social media rather than 2007. All we seem to do is watch other people experience things.

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So now I guess I need to come up with grand master plan or call to action.

I started this online journal because despite the guaranteed vulnerability hangover, I am holding myself accountable during the times I want to play it safe and run away from choices that make me grow. Never in a million years did I think I would share my private thoughts for public consumption, but the more I do, the more I prove to myself that I can choose the harder option.

So...this is what I have been doing to not live out others' experiences, but stay present in my own. As always, take what you like, leave what you don't (:

1. Distinguish the “I needs” from the “I wants”. Long-term satisfaction is rarely achieved with impulse purchases or decisions (*cough cough* that serum or ice roller).

2. Write down three things that are good in each day. I personally like to write down little joys like a honey crisp apple from the farmer's market or call with my grandma. The big moments get too much attention as it is.

3. Learn the difference between a mirror and a projection. I will repeat this every day until I get it through my thick skull: people are so inside their own heads that the last thing they are thinking about is an awkward pause, your relationship status, or a zit on your chin. Be with people who make it easy to exhale.

4. Combine a book club with a mid-day walk. I am terrible at reading unless I am held accountable, but nothing keeps me present like a good book. Whether it is with a friend or a coworker, try starting a book club and discussing on a walk during lunch. Exercise the body and your brain because multitasking is the name of the game when you're hustling in your 20s and 30s.

5. Find at least one creative outlet. Mine is obviously writing, but maybe yours is drawing, music, dance, interior decorating, photography, etc. Creativty can build confidence, give us a sense of productivity, pull us out of our own heads, or better yet - channel our feelings into our work.

6. Volunteer. Whether you are passionate about helping people get to the polls, want to support reproductive rights, or work with children in an after school program, when we are volunteering our most valuable resource - time - we are no longer the center of our own universe.

Most of these tools have come from teachers or counselors I've had over the years, and I have found that the more I make them my own, the more they become integrated into my life and move the needle.

There is no shame in taking the sidelines as long as we recognize when we need to put ourselves back in the game. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start playing again.

Xx Lil Bean