Worth It

If I am being 100% honest, this past year I have been my own best friend.

I have spent more time by myself than ever before - sitting with a sandstorm of anxiety, memories, regrets, and fear of what's to come. That being said, I have never felt LESS alone.

This contraction is something that has sparked a lot of self-reflection and curiosity about how I approached friendships in the past versus now. Whether this post makes you doubt your inner circle, feel a new sense of confidence that you found your soulmates, or question why you wasted your time reading this blog - my hope is that just about anyone can squeeze out a silver lining.

I think a lot of you might relate, but this period of isolation and collective pause has forced me to reevaluate my relationships and gain a new sense of authority over my sphere of influence. The more time I spend alone, the more I realize that the people I surround myself with have the power to paint my worldview & daily life. They either generate energy or drain it.

I am sure many of you can relate. Maybe you had that high school or college "friend" who pretended to be in your corner, but would leave you at a party, perpetuate gossip, or supply back-handed compliments disguised as "just being honest..."

In my opinion, there is no worse feeling than being on the receiving end of someone else's insecurity turned toxic.

The good news is that while energy can be drained, positive energy is 10x more contagious. I am talking about the warm & fuzzy nights in, the can-hardly-breath laughter, the spontaneous dance parties, the "no, you hang up" FaceTimes, and the shared late night nacho tots or 9am Bertrand courtyard (my Bucknell peeps know that's the ultimate act of love). That's the type of energy that not only builds a person up, but makes it even more satisfying to return the favor.

I feel incredibly grateful and humbled that the slower pace of the past year has provided the space to consciously choose who I want to play the main characters in my life. Perhaps an even greater gift has been gaining enough self-respect to welcome in those incredible souls who resurfaced when I least expected it and stopped engaging in the relationships that were no longer serving me.

If you are curious if your current friendships or relationships are worth holding on to, ask yourself these simple questions:

Does this person generate positive energy or drain it?

Would this person ever say something negative about me behind my back or would they stand up for me if someone else did?

Do I feel better or worse about myself after leaving an interaction?

Am I my most authentic self around this person or am I playing another version of myself?

The answers may change over time, and that's OKAY. We always have permission to outgrow a friendship that once was a fit.

The real growth happens when we have the courage, awareness, and confidence to let go without guilt and hold on to the keepers for dear life (:

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To the people in my life who have been an unwavering support system and source of unconditional love & happiness - all I can say is that you are the reason I have the courage to put my thoughts to the page, dance like nobody's watching, shamelessly snort laugh in public, and climb some of the biggest literal and figurative mountains in my life. I do not know if I will ever be able to provide what you have given me, but I will spend every day trying my darnedest. Love, Bean.