Unfiltered

This post is probably the most vulnerable I will ever be. I am pretty terrified, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that people often appreciate unfiltered honesty. The facade is going down for good, and my hope is that readers who are sharing these struggles will know that they are not alone.

If you are reading this, please know that you are not broken - no matter what you tell yourself or what others say - you are so much stronger than you realize. With that said, I am taking the risk of putting my deepest fears and insecurities out in the open. This post is personal, but at it's core, the message is that oftentimes people's demons are invisible - shedding light on them is the only way to dismantle their power.

Here is my story. So this one bully has followed me to elementary school, high school, and college. Every time I think I lose her, she makes a point of finding me again. Every time I get the nerve to stand up for myself, she tricks me into thinking I need her friendship because I’m not smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, or thin enough for other people to truly like me. The thing is, for the last 14 years, I’ve fallen for it every time.

She tells me every day that I’m not worthy of respect. When I look in the mirror she stands right behind me just to point out every inch of my body that could be improved. She tells me that being "perfect" is the only way people will see or care about me.

At first I believe her. Every time listen to her, I get there and the compliments come rolling in.

“Oh my gosh you look amazing! How did you do it?”

There is a part of me that feels so accomplished, so beautiful, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to scream. I know they mean well, but it takes every ounce of strength I can muster to hold back my tears. I think to myself: you really want to know??

It takes saying no to family dinners. Making excuses for not eating your own birthday cake. Fighting off hunger pangs at night. It takes spending every morning and night in front of the mirror to analyze every inch of your body. You want to go out to lunch with friends? Forget about it. You can’t control the calories in that food. You can’t afford to eat anything off your “plan” and run the risk of gaining a pound. You will lose days, months, and years of your life to the voice in your head telling you that you’re never going to be good enough. You will lose time you can never get back.

So there you have it. That’s what it takes to “look amazing." Are you going to ask me if it is worth it?

My bully tells me it is. She says that all of the attention and all of the compliments prove that being impossibly thin is the key to being visible. I’m here to say that for the first time in the last 14 years, I’m calling bullshit.

In many ways, I expected recovery to be emotionally and physically draining, but there was another part of me that thought, desperately hoped, that there would be some relief from voice in my head criticizing my every move. What I have found is the harsh reality that leaning into the discomfort is incredibly isolating. The isolation provides a false sense of security and calm, only to be followed with an overwhelming and paralyzing darkness. In order to distract myself long enough to forget my ED, I often attempt to drown out my inner dialogue with exercise. Sometimes I will aimlessly scroll through social media just to keep my mind busy.

I want to sit around the dinner table laughing with friends. I want to look in the mirror and see life behind my eyes. I want energy. I want my life back. This time around, this bully - my eating disorder - she’s afraid. She knows that every time she has knocked me down, I have picked myself up again and gotten stronger. When she stands behind me saying I am only as worthy as the size of my body, I have the courage to challenge her.

“Say it to my face. I dare you.” The thing is, I know she won’t. She won’t because her power lies in her ability to hide. The reality is, I am real, I am strong, and I am worthy.

If there is anything I want to leave readers with, it is that your bully (whether that be an actual person or an internal voice) will always try to tear you down no matter how hard they try to convince you that you need them. Leaning into something or someone who wants to makes you smaller will never allow you to flourish, it will only break you from the inside out. The people who truly love and care about you the most will recognize and celebrate your strengths, see beauty in your weaknesses, and do everything in their power to get you to see it for yourself.