Forgiveness

Forgiveness. The F word that comes with more mixed emotions than anything else with four-letters.

My unspoken rules have always been 1) be as sweet and nice as possible 2) always fall on your sword. You‘re probably in the wrong anyway 3) run from confrontation at all costs. The thing is, these unspoken rules often come at the cost of abandoning self to make everyone else comfortable.

In addition to this set of unhelpful rules, a part of me has always thought of forgiveness as weakness - the thing people engage in when they don’t have the strength to hold a grudge or stand up for themselves. The problem is there has always been a really stubborn part of myself that is committed to being “the nice girl” - which just so happens to be the title of my first post.

We’ve all been there - avoiding confrontation at all costs to not rock the boat, ultimately faking forgiveness in the name of keeping the peace. Something I have realized in recent years is that this contrived kindness is not strength, it’s a security blanket.

Think about what would happen if we dismantled our idealized versions of likeability and decided to say what is really on our minds. Speaking from personal experience, a little bit of dead weight with each honest conversation, clearing the air of present and future resentment.

What would it feel like if we decided to articulate how we are feeling in the moment, be empathetic enough to step into the other person’s shoes, and achieve a more genuine form of forgiveness?

• Speaking our minds in the moment: Shout out to my friend and role model Hayden aka @rockyobody for noting that “negative experiences come from unmet expectations.” How can we expect anyone or anything to meet our expectations unless we are brave enough to communicate how we feel and what we deserve. In full transparency, it is easier said than done if standing firm in our expectations runs the risk of losing someone or “scaring them off”. However, it is better to lose someone in a state of honesty than run the relationship dry by constantly swallowing emotions.

• Lead with empathy: I will spare everyone the “hurt people hurt people” rant, but when we really consider which past experiences may have shaped another person, it makes it much easier to let go of the pettiest disputes or the deepest of betrayals.

• Finding forgiveness: One of my favorite sayings is “to leave your house is to be offended.” Finding true forgiveness, not just on a smile as an effort to be liked, comes from allowing the hurt and disappointment to settle in. Feel it, cry and yell it out, and reach a point of curiousity - why did this person lie, cheat, or walk away? It is okay to make others sit in discomfort, the caveat being that there is a genuine effort to understand the motives behind their actions. None of us are perfect and rarely let others down on purpose.

As this entry comes to a close, remember: to leave our homes is to be offended and offend others - so let’s collectively try to give each other grace.