Reality Check Pt. 2

We are back with another reality check, mainly because I need one lately. I really need one...

What You See: Wow, what a cute family photo. Lilly looks so happy and where are they? That looks like the most incredible trip.

Reality Check: To this day, I feel immense shame and regret for not embracing this one in a lifetime trip to Kenya because so much was "out of my control." Every hike, safari, incredible dinner, mountain-top sunrise, and opportunity to meet the incredible humans who live there - I was physically present, but my mind was entirely in a different place. How was I going to exercise that day? How was I going to "balance out" the dinner from last night? I only want pictures with lots of layers because I hate my arms right now. It makes me sick to think about. Little did I know this would be my last trip before the pandemic. I will never get that experience back.

What It Looks Like: That's such a beautiful and relaxing day in the park (: That's a girl who seems really at ease and is having the best holiday weekend...

Reality Check: Fourth of July weekend was - to put it simply - a complete train-wreck. I felt so exhausted going out with new people and trying to be perfect. I wanted to make such a good first impression that nobody could see through my insecurity, social anxiety, and fear of not being liked. How long before these people realize I'm not on their level? I ended up losing the person I arrived with, left the bar alone in a complete panic, and felt immense embarrassment for "overreacting the next day."

I kept this picture because I liked the way I looked....eye roll...

What It Looks Like: Holy throwback. High school circa 2013...such babies!! They are all so cute going to the football game, probably going to a crowded basement afterparty where T Pain is blasting on a portable speaker.

Reality Check: Don't even get me started about my high school days. I HATED myself and did not have an ounce of confidence to engage in friendships, nor did I feel "pretty" or "cool" enough to put myself out there. ED came back with vengeance that year, so at least I was getting compliments, right?

The good news - I have been able to reconnect with high school peers as the real Lilly lately, and it feels really good to prove to myself and others that she has been in there from day 1.

What you see is what you get: I really try not to mention specific people on here (unless it is 100% complimentary), but I cannot help but shout out my best friend, role model, and my rock. From our high school days when my only words to him were "fuck off" and "can I borrow X" to our college days when I finally learned to appreciate him for the incredibly kind, intelligent, selfless, and HILARIOUS human he is - I am forever grateful I got over my ego enough to embrace the fact he is close to perfect & wake up to the fact I have the best brother in the world.

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As always, I hope this type of post helps y'all realize it is not all sunshine and roses (although sometimes it can be). Progress isn't linear, that's all I'll say. If there is a topic that would be helpful for me to discuss & rant about as a complete and total unprofessional - please message me (: It's kind of the blind leading the blind here, but with that in mind, we are in this together.