Body Love

Okay, I know that the picture I chose for this post is a bit "wtf" but I promise that there's a reason.

I was feeling myself. I was feeling LIKE myself.

Goofy.

No makeup.

Rested.

Happy.

Healthy.

At peace.

I love this picture because it represents how far I have come in terms of loving my body. Yes, this is a picture of my face and not my entire frame, but for me, everything I need to know about how I feel about myself is in my expression: NOT my weight, body fat %, or clothing size.

When I looked at myself in the mirror during the height of my ED, I did not see life behind my eyes - I saw a girl struggling so much to accept love from herself and others. When I look at this picture, I see a strong woman who is confident enough to nourish when social media says "cleanse", spread kindness over gossip, and who refuses to succumb to that nasty voice that (if I'm being honest, still sneaks in) tells me smaller is always better.

Learning to love our bodies, this meat suit in which we walk through life, tends to be the most difficult step in valuing our whole selves. Whether this is because of family dynamics, societal pressure, media, or a combination - peeling back the shame we accumulate around our bodies requires a significant amount of work.

For anyone who has heard the phrase "body love", resist the urge to eye roll. I am not talking about loving what we see in the mirror every moment of the day or being neutral when our pants don't fit - WE ARE HUMAN. I have had plenty of moments this year when I feel uncomfortable in my body. It is more about reminding ourselves of the moments we gain when we are not consumed with looking a certain way: the late nights dancing with friends, the spontaneous brunches, and sharing a home-cooked meal with family.

When our internal bullies try to trick us into thinking our worth is attached to our appearance, let's hit back with a fatal blow.

Have they forgotten how resilient we are? As difficult as it might be at times, we need to remind ourselves of our strength, our daily wins, and our support systems.

Latching onto feelings of fear & low self-esteem linked to the pain/shame/guilt programming we accumulate throughout life can be so tempting, but our bullies cannot take advantage of a person who has integrated their shadow.

For me, I must make the conscious decision to resist numbing out and restricting for the sake of feeling safe. In reality, this behavior is the antithesis of safety - it represents fear and distrust in myself.

Today and every day, I express gratitude for my HEALTH, something I have taken for granted most of my life. I taped a picture of myself to my fridge (yes, I did) to remind myself that although some days I may not like my body, I will always love her.

I know I have pulled a lot from personal experience, but I hope this makes many of you feel less alone on the days when body love does not come easily. All I will leave you will is this:

Even when our reflection raises disappointment, when our bullies rear their ugly heads, and when we are tempted to shrink our bodies (& authentic selves) for the sake of feeling worthy - this is nothing compared to looking in the mirror and seeing a person who chooses living over mere looks. I promise, the beauty starts there.