Big Life Event Anxiety

Who doesn’t love a catchy acronym?

We are living in the era of BDE and ESWBs (if you are out of the loop, google it), so why not use this acronym moment in pop culture to highlight a topic that so many people have on their minds: how do I deal with anxiety surrounding life’s “biggest moments.”

Let me first say that I am referring to the moments that society deems as being the most significant, social media-worthy milestones. Some have the potential to alter our life’s trajectory, while others are considered rights of passage in the traditional sense. The magnitutide of the event aside, these are the life moments that are supposed to be filled with joy, love, and gratitude.

I am talking about the first dates and the proms. The graduations and the family holidays. The beginning of a new job or a big move. The weddings and the baby showers.

I am fully aware that this is a pretty conventional timeline and not all of this applies to each and every person (myself included), but it gives us a glimpse into the highlight reel.

As always, I aim to call bullshit on the highlight reel whenever I see fit.

What I find unfortunate about these picture-worthy moments in time is that the time and energy going into how others perceive us during these events is incredibly disproportionate. Bless the people who could not give less of a shit about fitting into the “right dress” or proving to people you haven’t seen in years that life is nothing but sunshine in the span of a five minute conversation.

The thing is, we know that what matters most is being comfortable in our own skin, staying present, and knowing our truth. Let’s ask ourselves: how do we want to remember this time 50 years from now? Will we be sad looking at a picture knowing that moment was riddled with comparison OR will we remember the laugher and boundless joy? Ahh…. if only it were that easy.

Now it’s my turn to get honest, knowing good and well that positive and negative thoughts can coexist:

My (very) delayed graduation is in May, and while I am looking forward to seeing my incredible friends and being back on a campus that holds so many memories, I am terrified. How will my social battery hold up after 48 hours of small talk? How am I supposed to process the emotions of my own graduation, my brother’s graduation weekend, all while trying to catch up on the last two years with 3,000 people?

Then there is a whole mess of body stuff. The “whispers” as I like to call them. This person looks skinny. This person gained weight. That person is thriving in their job and relationship. I wonder when that person is going to get their life together and settle down.

You know what? Everyone is going to talk and gossip - there is no getting around that. Although I firmly believe that nobody in a good place feels the need to spread negativity about someone else, I am still working on the ~fine art~ of not caring. I am getting there, but this goddamn graduation will be the ultimate test, and based on messages I have been receiving lately, it will be a test for many of us.

I think revisiting a place that holds so much emotion, a place where I have felt both accepted & confident as well as rejected & insecure, adds layer of complexity. We all have complex emotions surrounding such intense periods of self discovery.

So to anyone who really wants the unfiltered truth, I am excited to see EVERYONE at major life events, graduation included. If you are unemployed or making six figures, if you gained 100 pounds in quarantine or devoted the past two years to fitness, if you are happily married or killing the single game - everyone is worth celebrating just for living life their way.

Will I be overwhelmed and have moments of doubt? 100%. BUT - no I will not be judging where I am in the lineup of life. No, I will not say a negative word about the incredible people I spent 4 years learning and growing with. We all made it, and we are all doing life right.

Class of 2020, who’s with me?

Xx Lil Bean